Ups and Downs .

Today has been a day of mixed emotions it started pretty well , had to go to the Doctors and get blood and cholestrol results , because of my condition I have an increased risk of heart problems so they like to do checks to see what the risk is etc .
 Well my results were good my cholestrol is low and I have a 0.4% chance of heart problems etc so that's a relief .
 The bad news came in the form of the vets calling to say that the lump my dog has on her chest is cancerous and they want to operate next week , she's 15 so its risky , she's already had to have two ops the last two years for her teeth and a lump removed off her side and they said they don't know if the cancer has spread either . She was so upset after the last op I couldn't leave her side she just cried and whimpered and I didn't sleep for two weeks with it so I'm preparing that it will be like that again .
 What also makes me sad is the fact that i won't be able to go anywhere or do anything while she is like that I feel so bad she has to go through this and torn for wanting to be able to do stuff too I also am scared incase she doesn't survive the op .
  I'm also upset because I thought I was invited to something this weekend which would of been just what I needed before all the stress of the dogs op and to take my mind off it too I was looking forward to it but it turns out I'm not going , its been forgotten I was asked and its made me feel such an outsider and so lonely

Short and sweet

I'd like to say that i was referring to myself with this title  but although I'm only 5"4 I don't know if that is classed as short and can't comment on if I am sweet or not really , but I just wanted to write saying how funny it can be that the simplest things the simplest words and comments can make you smile and feel nice inside especially when its unexpected and you know they don't have to be said but  it can make such a difference to how you think about yourself and it can change your mood completely - in a good way :0)

Not where I want to be

My life is pretty complicated , I'm not in a place I want to be .
 In 2007 my life  changed forever in a bad way . Before then I thought I had everything I wanted and was happy , but overnight that changed and it all came crashing down and I have been the same since.
Part of it was being diagnosed with my condition but it just made what else happened worse . For years I have been so terribly unhappy , I do get snatched moments of happiness but they aren't long enough and go so fast and soon I'm lying alone thinking too much being so sad again

I long for escape from the life I'm having to live and the happy ever after fairy tale . Will it happen? Is there such a thing as happy ever after ? How much longer will it take ? Non of this I know . I go through the moons of life just waiting .

When I was young I used to cry myself to sleep every night because of how I had to live , what I was subjected to , and now its the same again  . I wonder if it will ever be different.

I have to hope I have to believe it will and live in my dreams until they become reality because what else can I do? without hope there is nothing if I don't believe I have nothing .

Until then i will hide my tears no one will know what I really feel I will smile and pretend as I have done all my life, I will look forward to meeting my friends who will not realise but will be , just for a while taking me out of myself  , letting me be happy and being glad that I have them .

 

Routine appointment unexpected blood tests

Today I had to go for my routine pill check , normally few questions weight blood pressure check and on my way with my prescription , except that's not what happened today , Nurse Michelle wanted to do an arthritis check, they are now doing every year at my doctors to make sure everyone is getting the treatment they need and things, this might be because the NICE guidelines have now changed, that was fine not much they can say about my treatment except the fact that because of my PSA I'm also at an increased risk of heart problems so my cholestrol levels need checking and so I ended up with more bloods being taken in top of yesterday's , they also wanted a full blood screen doing as they don't always get the results from my hospital , well the needles already stuck in my arm so they might aswell help themselves to it .

I never thought at my cholestrol , I thought I was too young to worry about it to be honest , maybe I'm not , but aparently high Cholestrol runs in the family anyway. I'm following a low fat diet due to being fat , so hope that helps I get the results on Thursday so will see then what's
 
I also got my mind out at rest about another health matter , according to research ladies like myself who are on immune suppressant mendications have an increased risk of developing cervical cancer due to being unable to fight the HPV virus properly , well I've already had to have treatment for cervical cancer cells when I was younger and that was no barrel for laughs and had a scare again a few years ago which I got the all clear last year from so I obviously was a bit aprehensive about this but unfortunately unless the NICE guidelines change or I start to have any problems they won't do smear tests any more often than 3 yearly . The good news is going on my last smear I don't have the HPV virus  in my body so I'm not at risk from that so it put my mind at rest .

It's amazing what problems and things can develope just from having this stupid skin thing, except its not a stupid skin theming, people think its like eczema , just like dry flakey skin but its all to do with a faulty immune system , my internal body not working properly and it buggering up the rest of me in whatever way it sees fit bloody ruining my life in one way or another , ill explain all that some other time . I think I have rambled on enough for now .

Hospitals, needles and drugs

So today was hospital day again , best fill you in on this, well have have been on a clinical drugs trial since January 2012 for  my psoriatic arthritis , I have had numerous different drugs and treatments in the 7 years I have this condition and this so far has been the only thing to make me normal and pain free again . I go every 4 weeks and have to have blood taken questions to assert joints checked nails and skin checked and then wait while the drug is made at another hospital and is delivered to mine where I then have it injected in to my leg and have to wait an hour before going home .

As I said its the only thing to have worked and I can't believe the difference it has made and I don't get side effects to it either , I also have to take Methatrexate along side it which I'm also luckily enough not to have side effects to apart from hair falling out a bit but least it was thick to start with .

The trial was only supposed to be for two years and I have 6 months left but today I was told the trial Is being extended for at least another year so I'm quiet happy about that as I didn't know how I'd be after I had to stop it , I don't know if I will be on it until the end, it depends on circumstances but at least i know I have longer being pain free .

So that's a bit of my day today not the nicest of days really but least I'm injected and done for another 4 weeks

Where do I begin ?

Well most people would say at the beginning but believe me that is a lot harder than it sounds and I'm still unsure about this blogging buisness and what I want to share .
 So ill start with now , which is me at home on my bed with my cold feet tucked under the duvet checking Facebook and trying to get off a very annoying level of candy crush saga , blooming game what is there no way to kind of cheat yourself off the annoying levels !

Yes I have nothing better to do , I did however get a message off someone who I briefly saw years and years ago , like 6 years ago or something apologising for being a prick to me , he has two little girls now and said he was lit with them and suddenly he thought about me and nearly choked on his Burger King and realised that he treated me badly so had to say sorry .

Very weird for me as I haven't thought about it at all as it was so long ago and I have no need to think of it but hey I guess bad things may be come back to haunt you and in his case it did and maybe the only way he could stop thinking about it or feel better was to apologise . Unfortunately its also taken this person to get mentally ill too and that saddens me a lot , no one wants anyone to be struggling .

I think a lot , about life love and the universe , well maybe not so much the last thing , I'm also scared of dying , to the point I get panic attacks about no longer being here , not existing and just not being anything that is my biggest fear and unfortunately I have an immune disorder condition called psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis which means that I have to have alsorts of drugs etc and who knows how they will affect my life span but to be without pain and have a better life now I have to have them . Ill probably go in to that more some other time .

I should though also say that I was inspired to try doing these blog thingies by someone else who writes blogs who is a friend due to my condition and I've always liked reading his blogs even though half of it I don't quite understand ( especially cricket stuff ) , I'm glad to have met or know even online people that know what it's like , I don't know anyone near me with it and haven't really met anyone at my hospital although that's about to change as I now have a new friend who is just starting going to see a rhumey at my hospital and I am meeting her next week which will be nice as I don't have any friends where I live they only exist on the Internet or miles away sadly .

 Anyway I think I have probably out stayed my welcome for one night although I don't even know if this will read by anyone other than me anyway .

Is this confusing or is it just me?

Ok so I'm brand new to all this blog malarkey but I thought it might be something good to do, to get my thoughts and whatever else in writing , good or bad . So far I haven't a bloody clue what I'm doing where this is going if I have set anything up right or even if I will find this again to add more to it , I'm pretty computer illiterate as it is anyway so why I thought I could do this is beyond me , but I may get the hang of it and it may be all good .
 So what do I say ? Where do I start? I don't really know to be honest , I suppose I should say a bit about what or who I am , but why ? Why when I could be anything or anyone on this blog so for now maybe ill just be Purple pixie , confused and trying to figure it out .